“Long there stood I,
Faced before the abyss was I
Embers – my fire barely burning
As I stared into the blackness
The blackness that bade me jump
Long there I stood,
Fearful – I shrank back
Yet I could not turn away
There in the blackness
Awaited my fate
– Ever calling, ever pressing
Long there I stood
Long did the abyss watch
Lurker! Schemer! Charmer!
From my embers, a match was lit”
– From my personal journal, June 2017
It has been a long journey since I first took my hiatus from this blog back in 2014.
When I first began writing, I knew little and had barely scratched the surface with my abilities and my potential. So much has changed in three years, that it is mind-blowing to look back at the person I used to be. The masks I wore, the names I answered to, the false illusions I cradled myself in. Two things remained the same – my undying lust for wisdom and quest for knowledge, and the relationship I’ve had with Wotan.
At the start of this blog, I was in an unhappy marriage, stagnant in all ways, and intellectually lazy. I felt lifeless, cold, and uninspired. I attempted to remedy my loneliness and stagnation by forming a kindred and doing ritual to battle the things within that stand in my way. While the kindred prospered for a bit, I did not have proper boundaries set, nor had I found my voice to put a stop to the decay I began to see forming. My worldview was slowly changing, as were my politics, and this growth was one I kept in silence. While life was permeated with the essence of Isa, I found myself in the clutches of Perthro’s dark womb – silently scheming, penetrating the silence with exit plans and defenses, all the while building spiritual momentum as I was slowly prepared for transformation and initiation. My energy was scattered about, though at times, I’d draw myself to myself, and hold up the mirror. The mirror revealed to me many things, and my gaze showed determination, though it was dull from my inner flame flickering out.
I would cast the runes, seek out answers from the Gods and the message was always clear and profound – “change will come by cataclysmic force and patience must be had”. So I endured. I lingered in silence as I turned to face the abyss. And then the dreams came, followed by revelations and visions. My blood was spilled and my personal practice grew more intense and more powerful. I began to start asking myself questions, hard questions as I started channeling the energy of Thurisaz. And then it happened. I found a match.
I reconnected with an old friend, with whom I confided in about all the movement taking place in the darkness within myself. We spoke at length about the spiritual and political changes I was going through and it felt nice to finally be heard – to not be ridiculed, to speak freely amongst a like mind. However, this person spent too much time in Utgard, and was a bearer of bad luck. He warned me to be cautious about associating with him, because he seemed to have an effect on people that’d bring about destruction and chaos. I brushed it off, however, deep down I knew he was right. He was an enemy of everyone, and rightfully so.
Cataclysm came, and within weeks I was divorcing my husband, stepping down from my kindred, and finding out who everyone around me was without their masks. My name was slandered and falsehoods were spread. The weak chose sides, and I stood alone. I got to know my old friend, and a relationship was sparked. But it brought about suffering and trauma – though I went into the darkness only to come back out with the torch of Kenaz.
It was only when I stood alone that I found my place, my purpose, my voice. It was through Thurisaz that I was able to shatter my own illusions and falsehoods. Through Thurisaz I penetrated my own depths and pierced the darkness and corpses of that which I buried long ago, so that I could gain clarity and insight. And even still – I stab and cut and raise up that which has long since rotten so I can delve deeper and go further. I have rekindled my flame, and have given myself to myself. I am reducing my world to ashes so that I can take on the form of a phoenix as I continue to evolve and channel Odinic inspiration.
I am not who I was three years ago, but I have learned much and as such, I bear the torch of Kenaz and come forth from the darkness with much wisdom and knowledge to be shared. All the while, Farmögnuðr (Wotan – “journey empowerer”) has never left my side, and continues to engulf, test, and guide me.
The Silent Heathen is back, and will be live July 1st.